
There isn’t a working person among us who doesn’t deal with stress —
whether you’re an entrepreneur, a freelancer, working for a struggling
startup, or clocking in working for a company, work stress is
inevitable.
But where does this stress originate, and how do we deal with it?
Most guides to stress will give you some actions to take: exercise,
sleep well, eat right, meditate, and do some yoga at your desk. These
are all amazing, and you should do them.
However, I’m more interested in getting at the root of stress. Dig
down, ferret out the cause, and work with that directly, rather than
treating the symptoms. Only once you deal with the cause of stress can
you truly be a master of it.
Cause of stress
Let’s take a look at some things you might be stressed about at work:
- Hard deadlines
- Difficult coworkers or boss
- Uncertainty about your job
- Uncertainty about whether you can succeed at this project
- Competition, office politics, interpersonal conflicts
- Not having enough time for family or personal life
- Being overwhelmed by too much to do
There are many more possibilities, but these are a good sampling. In all these examples, the cause is really the same thing:
We are attached to how we want things to be. We have an ideal about how each of these situations
should be, and our clinging to this ideal is causing the stress.
Let’s take the uncertainty about the job. Of course, that’s not
ideal, we would rather have a stable job that we don’t have to worry
about. So reality is not matching our ideal (a stable job), and that
causes us stress. We don’t like the present situation, and this not
wanting uncertainty is causing us to stress out.
The same is true of each of the above examples — when a coworker is
not meeting our ideal, when we have an ideal that we won’t have too much
to do, when our ideal of having easy-to-meet deadlines isn’t being met …
we get stressed.
Unfortunately, this happens all day long, every day. Our ideals about
reality are constantly not being met, and so we stress out. It builds
up. It becomes a health problem.
So what’s the way to deal with this? Let’s take a look.
Dealing with the cause of stress
If our attachment to an ideal is the cause of our stress, then can we
just not have ideals? Well, that would be ideal, perhaps, but no, I’ve
found it impossible to not have ideals. The ideals come up, unbidden, in
our active and ever hopeful minds.
The way to deal with the cause of stress is to:
- Notice that you’re feeling stress or frustration
- Mindfully notice your attachment to an ideal, and
- Loosen the attachment, finding love for the actual reality of the present moment
Let’s look at these in turn.
First, you have to
notice the stress. Learn to see
your frustration or worry about something as a signpost, a flag that
tells you what’s going on. In this way, stress becomes a positive thing,
because it’s letting you know that something is going on. It’s like a
notification system on your phone — instead of ignoring the
notifications, as we usually do (we don’t like to think about stress),
we can mindfully drop into ourselves and deal with it.
Next, you have to mindfully
notice your attachment
to the ideal. That means dropping in and saying, "Hey, things are
meeting my ideal and it’s stressing me out — what’s my ideal?" It’s
probably something that is more secure, stable, comfortable, controlled
than what you’re currently experiencing.
For example, if you’re overwhelmed by too much work, your ideal is
probably that you have a very controlled, comfortable amount of work,
and that you’re on top of it all. That would feel much more secure,
stable, comfortable to you.
Unfortunately, comfort and control and security aren’t what life
provides us. It mostly provides us the very opposite — something
chaotic, unpredictable, uncomfortable, unstable. And we can be upset by
this, or we can embrace it. We can hate all of this about life, or we
can love it. This is a choice.
Finally, we can
loosen our attachment to this
expectation or ideal. We can say, "This ideal is not helping me.
Clinging to wanting things this way is actually harming me. I hereby
open my heart to many more possibilities."
That means we can be open to a less-than-ideal coworker, who isn’t
perfect and is struggling with his issues. We can be open to loving
having too much work, more than we can possibly do, and having to
prioritize and just focus on the important stuff for now. We can be open
to the possibility that we’ll do poorly, or lose our jobs, because even
then we’ll figure something out and life will be just fine.
Loosening our attachments is about realizing that life doesn’t have
to be one way, our way, that we can be open to life’s way. It’s about
learning to love everything, s--- and all. It’s about being curious
about life, about others, instead of judging life and other people as
bad.
And then it’s about working from this place of peace and love. Have
too much to do? Pick one task, and do your best with it. Have an
annoying coworker? Find compassion for her struggles, and be curious
about what she’s going through, and talk to her compassionately and
empathetically about your conflict with her. Worried about losing your
job? Focus on doing your best, while preparing yourself for the
possibility that you might need to find another job.
Many people won’t like this solution, because it means that they
don’t get the ideals they want. Most of us want to control life to be
the way we want. And that’s fine, if it works for you.
What I’m suggesting is being open to the many other possibilities,
opening your heart to what life offers instead of what you want it to
offer, being curious about what’s really in front of you rather than
judgmental, and learning to love everything as it is.